*Anyone with an October (or later) birthday who wouldn’t mind me posting the date with a few comments, please send me a note via this site or my personal email.  Happy Birthday to all!!!

10th - Kaitlin Rose Carter:  My favorite (only) sister’s oldest daughter, turning 20.  She’s not quite turning of age, but considering she works in a restaurant/bar, I’m not sure it’ll have much new relevance next year.  HB, Kait!  Lives in Alpena, Michigan, renowned for the famous Owl Burger.

11th - Jenny Lyon:  8 year old daughter of my college buddy (and former naval aviator), Mike Lyon, and his wife, Leigh, who has a strong navy connection as well.  Now, some might say that Jenny has a bit of an ominous birth date, but I say we should celebrate our greatest asset - our children!  Mike nows flies for Delta (and, as a result, flies troops to theatre), and they live in Peachtree City, GA. 

19th - Scott Hinckley:  One of my oldest college friends (and former “unofficial” room-mate); Also a former elite oarsman, Navy SEAL; and aquaman.  Recently announced his intent to get married - for the first time.  Lives in the Bay area (California) teaching, coaching and enjoying the great outdoors!  

19th - Holden Feahr:  Son (13) of my best friend from high school, T-Bone (Tom).  Not likely to follow in our foot steps, thank God - by driving 100 mph at night with the headlights offs, stealing 8-tracks, and/or destroying a different car every other week (not too mention the things we consumed) - so his folks did something right.  Tom, BTW, is a retired Michigan State Trooper.  They live in Ionia, MI, famous for their great prisons.

21st - Denise Schloth:  Great friend and wife of another dear, old JU pal, G’Rod.  And they’ve been married 21 (?) years this Halloween.  She wins a MILF award - I’ve noticed how her 19 Y/O son’s friends give her the “stare” when she’s out running!  Oh yeah, she’s still 27.  They live in Jacksonville, FL, famous for redneck outlaws.

22nd - Captain Bill Carney:  Another dear, old JU elite (from NYC), better known as “Do Me” (those who didn’t get it just called him “dome”).  He thought he would be dead by 30, but he was dead wrong.  We had a memorable Xmas vacation in a NYC burrough one year, circa ‘82!  We all had our favorite rock band - Bill’s was The Doors.  He now lives in New Orleans, LA - famous for their high-water pants - with his wife, Kathleen.  

27th - Sam Pedisich (originally Pedisic’) :   Sam Bone - what can be said about Sam that isn’t already known?  Another of the JU oarsmen clan (lightweight national champion); Former Navy SEAL, exceptional tattoo’ist, excellent writer (all of my books come from “The Library of Sam”) , father of two, husband of Erin Sebelius, master craftsman, crew coach at Warren Wilson College in Asheville, NC, hippy haven and retiree central.

28th - Jeannie (Simons) Hanley:  Her brother, Gary (”Stretch”), was my first Navy OIC (Officer-in-Charge).  So, Jeannie and I go back quite a few years.  She later became my favorite bartendress, and my daughters remain very fond of her.   She is now the mother of two beautiful kids and lives in Dana Point, California.  Oh, and she really is still 29.

On the scope for October:  Rhino, G’Rod, Ash Riis, Sue Worth, Jimmy O’Douchbag, Tina Sullivan, Colleen & John Frenn, Elizabeth, (Lois) Jane Sullivan and TP - Dog.

THIS DESERT LIFE (THE ENVIRONMENT)

OK, so for starters, the whole place resembles a prison.  I’ve never seen so much cement, erected entirely for our protection.  And I live in Cell Block “C” (that’s what it says on the cement wall outside my quarters).  But, I’ve been upgraded to a “hootch” (sort of like a single room trailer).  It’s not a bad set-up, and I have a single bed and a night stand! 

The gym is very close, as is the shower and latrine (toilet).  Lots of folks have refrigerators, microwaves, bikes, etc…. there’s this whole network of stuff that people trade and or leave behind, hoping to sell on consignment through a surrogate or something - very funny.  It kind of reminds me of the Philippines back in the day, except there are no LBFMs and we’re very heavily fortified. 

I’m used to the heat by now.  It was a mild 117 degrees yesterday - felt like Spring.  And I’m used to the sound of gunfire and morters being detonated and, of course, the drone of jets and helicopters flying overhead (they’re all ours).  I have to tell you, we’re kicking ass over here and I feel relatively safe.  I’m more worried about some of our folks (we all carry a weapon) who really shouldn’t have a gun.

Hopefully, these few photos will give you a glimpse of the environment.  The M*A*S*H-like photo with all the directional signs is right next to the tent where I work.  There’s a shot “outside the wire” that shows how green this area is (we’re right next to the Tigris River).  And two photos of armored vehicles in a parking lot - it’s funny to run down to the PX (Post Exchange - our store) and see the unique vehicle that we all drive around on a daily basis. 

Anyway, I feel like we live in some sort of “Mad Max” world, which we do.  It’s interesting and surreal all at once.  More soon.  Is anyone out there?  Peace and love to all! 

Enjoy this YouTube clip that highlights our testosterone-fueled environment:

THE BAD (ASS TEAM)

So, this is a big outfit - Navy SEALS & pilots, Marine tactics guys, Army Rangers, USAF pilots, FBI, CIA - lots of cats and dogs.  (OK, no cats but we actually do have 2 US Navy dogs on the force.)  Everyone wants a piece of the pie.  And, as I’ve previously mentioned, this is a very testosterone-driven organization.  (Go now to:  www.picnicface.com and click on the “powerthirst” video to get a feel for a night at the office.)

In fact, every night’s brief begins with a Chuck Norris quote (he’s huge with these guys)…. “Wilt Chamberlain once said he had slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime; Chuck Norris called this a slow Tuesday.”  Or “A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe.  Chuck replied, ‘Don’t you know who I am?  I’m Chuck Norris!’  The mere mention of his name cured the man’s blindness.  Sadly, the first, last and only thing this man ever saw was a fatal roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris.”   

These people speedload high caffeine power drinks - Rip it, Monster, etc.  It’s amazing to watch, especially since I gave up coffee in April and I don’t drink soda.  But it seems effective.  Since I’m in the Air Component, I’m among a large group of USAF pilots.  The Air Force has a theory about leadership.  They basically attempt to overwhelm and conquer with lots of extra people - safety in numbers - and they often “double-stuff” billets (they are top-heavy with officers so they can afford this approach) - this is their idea of a “force multiplier”.  While it works, it sort of resembles (what we would call) a “monkey f#$%ing a football”; i.e., too many chiefs and not enough indians.    

They also have a bit of a lemming thing going on.  Everything they do is in a group.  I often wonder if they go to the crapper in a group.  These USAF folks all do 90 day rotations, while the rest of us are here for 6 - 18 months.  But again, it works for them.  Everyone has their specific job done to a science.  Even the dogs.  But there’s also a lot of humor interspersed with all this power and muscle activity.

My Navy brethren (the helo combat support community) are currently all sporting Tom Selleck mustaches and wear arm patches that have a big brown mustache logo and the acronym “MAF” (Mustache Assault Force).  I walked into an Army outfit the other day and caught some pilots goading a new guy into doing an ”Atomic Situp” (google it) - funny stuff.

OK, time for work.  Tomorrow, the final trilogy episode, “The Ugly (Environment)”… with photos!

THE TRILOGY: THE GOOD (JOB), THE BAD (ASS TEAM), THE UGLY (ENVIRONMENT)

Where I work:  CJSOAC (pronounced as a word, “see-ja-so-ack”, like many military acronyms), otherwise known as Combined Joint Special Operations - Air Component.  Google it and you will get way more information than I can legally provide.  We are an integral part of a specific, numbered Task Force (CJSOTF - “see-ja-sote-if”) covering two basic operations - Operation Iraqi Freedom (OIF) and Operation Enduring Freedom (OEF - Afghanistan).

My title is “director” for plans & policies.  I cover J3/J5 stuff - which means air operations (the “J” means “Joint” - Army, Navy, USAF, USMC, etc.; and the “3″ is always “ops”) and future ops (the “5″ is “plans & policies).  I get to do a fair amount of traveling in theatre.  There is a lot going on here, I only wish I could share more of the details.

This is a limited, vague perspective I’m providing, I know, but it’s intended for those of you without the associated master’s degree in “jointness” - which, BTW, is color-coded PURPLE (Navy is blue, Army is green, etc.).  Even my badge is purple.  Alas, I can’t say a whole lot more than that.  It’s not like I’d have to kill you or anything, but more like I’d go to jail, or - worse yet - compromise the mission.

A common adage in the office is “our ops are blacker than yours”.  But that’s just part of the testosterone-driven ethic (go now to www.picnicface.com and click on the “powerthirst” video).  So it goes.  And, yes, we do have women here. In my “office”, there are several female pilots, several intelligence specialists, a special tactics liaison, and a weather forecaster.

But here are the basics: It’s like Groundhog Day in a very twisted sense.  My day starts at about 1:00pm - that’s when I get out of bed (really).  I open my door to the blinding sun and take that 100 yard walk to the bathroom.  A small gym (yes, it’s in a tent, as is my “office”) is usually my next stop.  After showering and putting on my (Army) uniform, I swing by the office to see how things are shaping up for that day (night).

Then, around 5:30pm (1730), I round up my crew and we head for the DFAC (Dining Facility) for chow.  The work night starts with a series of meetings assessing planned operations, and then the fun begins.  I have to leave a big hole here but, essentially, the night goes by very quickly with lots of doors getting kicked in and the like.  Later, there’s another meal called “midrats” (midnight rations) - sort of leftover/early breakfast thing.  And then an early morning meeting called an ORM (Operational Risk Assessment) to discuss how things went and what we’re doing next.

On a slow night, I’m done by about 6:00am.  A more active night and I’m still usually in bed by 9:00am.  And then the whole cycle begins again.  Believe it or not, my time here will go by very quickly.  Oh, yes, and we do get all the news back home - even the Olympics and football - via satellite!

Stay tuned for the next exciting episode in the saga:  The Bad (Ass Team)!

1.  My Daughters - Sarah, Jessie Rae and E.J. (aka Elizabeth Jane, Lizzy J, Bethie)!

2.  My Dog - Buddy (OK, Jess, I miss Tabbie, too)!

3.  Fish Tacos (Rubio’s - it’s a So. California thing)!

4.  Atlanta - My Freedom Park “Boot Camp” Gang; Little Five Points; my college buddies, Tim & Karen Price & Mike & Leigh Lyon!

5.  Concerts - You all know I love music, especially live (Shortly before I left, I got to see Dave Matthews, Feist, My Morning Jacket, James Taylor, Shawn Colvin, Colbie Callat <with the girls>)

6.  My Jeep! (The jeep is way more fun than the Humvee)

7.  My Best Friend - Mason (so you’re number 7, big deal).  In fact, I miss all of my friends & family (but not that little Dracula-faced boy who lives down the way and whizzes in my outdoor plants)!

8.  Freedom!  (that which you have and we fight for and protect)

9.  Cold Beer & Pinot Noir Wine (Remember, there’s no <real> alcohol in theatre - no, I haven’t tried the homemade potato vodka)!

10.  That Girl Who Does Those “Naked News” Spots (no, she’s not accessible from here)!

Remember - That Which Doesn’t Kill You Serves to Make You Stronger!!!  For anyone who’s interested, here is my postal address:

CDR Greg LaFave, 332 AEW/CJSOAC, Unit #1, APO  AE, 09315

1.  Driving to Work (OK, I get to drive a Humvie, but it’s different)

2.  Fast Food (yeah, there’s a McDonald’s here, but I haven’t partaken)

3.  Buying Gasoline

4.  Cooking & Cleaning (I like to cook, but…)

5.  Doing Laundry (We pay Iraqi’s here to do it.  In fact, we pay them to do lots of amazing things)

6.  Scanning through 400 Daily Work Emails

7.  Listening to Political Debates/Rhetoric/Mudslinging

8.  My Fat-ass Whiny Neighbor

9.  Hearing the Latest in the Casey/Calee Anthony Saga

10.  Ungrateful Americans (DO I really need to expand on this one?)

Coming soon, the highly anticipated trilogy:  “The Good (Job), The Bad (Ass Team), The Ugly (Environment)!!  For a sneak preview, go to: www.picnicface.com at click on the “powerthirst” video!

Monopoly reference, you say, read on:

The Water: 

Running water is a true commodity here. There is no indoor plumbing, but we do have “outhouses” - one for showers (on bases only) and another for the latrine (often just a port-a-potty).  You don’t dare drink water from any of the sinks, unless you really want to loose a lot of weight fast (the hard way).  My good friend (JU), Dr. Jeff Bomber, once gave me a shot of something in the arse, after I drank some river water on a remote island in Alaska, so I get the whole bacteria thing. 

Anyway, we have these pallets (everywhere) stacked with cases of bottled water (alas, I don’t see much recycling going on).  You even brush your teeth with this water.  And there is no ice.  The water sits outside for days at a time, so it gets very warm (understatement).  Try running warm water at home from the tap and see if you can get used to drinking that - all the time - it’s a feat!   

The BO:

Yes, body odor.  If you’re outside in PT (physical training) gear (i.e., gym clothes), you never really sweat.  It’s too hot; your body liquid just evaporates.  But you still stink.  In fact, you stink worse, becaue there’s no water to dissipate your “effluvia”.  With a uniform on, your under garments get drenched, then they dry, and this cycle continues throughout the day (TMI?).

I could go on about this, but I think you get the idea.  BTW, there are a few women out here (more power to ‘em).  They’re very smart about this whole aroma thing - they all manage to have some sort of perfume product on.  Most of the guys just reek.  But there is a war on, so…

The sun?  Yeah, did I mention it was 138 degrees yesterday?  Stick your head in the oven, and then imagine walking around like that all day.  Eventually, you acclimate, and the soar throat goes away.  But not the ”sand boogers”!

The Ground Beetle, commonly refered to as a Domino Beetle, so named because of it’s white spots on a black shell, is extremely poisonous.  They spray a chemical that burns the predator when attacked.  Fortunately (for us), they cannot fly like other beetles because their wings are stuck together.  This is because they are actually considered a type of ant, but you would never know it from their size. 

They can run very fast (this seems to be a common desert trait) with 3 pairs of extremely long legs.  The legs also lift the body up, away from the hot sand.  Ground Beetles have very good eyesight, the better to spot their prey.  They can live for several months without eating, as food is hard to find in the desert (MRE’s are a real attraction). 

Soldiers learn early on to check their boots real good before sliding their feet into them.  Just another reason why I’m enjoying this so much!

MRE’s.  They’re meals all right.  And they’re definitely ready to eat.  But you never quite get used to eating them.  No matter how hungry you are.  Even the ones that have the little automatic heaters in them (rare sightings, indeed, and for some “green” soldiers, still just a wild rumor…..”a heard there was a guy in 3rd platoon who once got a meal with a heater in it…..”). 

Yep, MRE’s .  They come in a pouch about the size of a large, 300 page paperback - the whole meal.  It’s kind of a “just add water” sort of thing, except that you pour the water down your throat and then mix.  There’s even little salt & pepper packets (very necessary), and a napkin, plastic spoon.  And even a coffee pack (with sugar & cream) - You’re on your own for the hot water, but it was 138 degrees here yesterday, so….. you adapt, overcome, improvise, conquer!

Opening an MRE pouch , though, is like opening a Cracker Jack box when you were a kid (OK, my generation - how’s that for a “Who” reference?), and searching for the prize (”Man, I got a pop tart!”).  Some meals are more desirable than others.  Jambalaya is a favorite (though I know of no one who has sighted the fabled “little shrimp pieces” listed on the label).  Penne pasta, not so (ever had cold spaghetti, supposedly a renowned hangover remedy among alcoholics?  Didn’t think so.).

The entree items are all high in starch and contained in boxes inside the plastic pouch.  Besides some type of mystery meat, you usually get a potato product and some type of vegetable that’s the consistency of what you fed your kids at age 2.  But it’s irrelevent, because you can never see what you’re eating.  It’s either dark out (4:00am-ish or 6:00pm-ish) or you have the blinding sun to contend with.

The boxes are of varying sizes, the largest of which is about the size of an 8 1/2″ X 5″ pad of paper.  And the perforated backing of this box is actually a post card, though I’ve yet to see one get used (You think I’m kidding?  Send me your address and see what comes back!). 

There’s even a dessert item with the MRE - some type of crushed cookie or brownie.  I’ve noticed that there’s this whole conspiracy on not wanting to send people home looking skinnier than when they left.  The MRE’s won’t get the job done but, then again, we don’t just sit around eating Meals, Ready to Eat.  Often, we’re on a base (care to guess how many we have in Iraq?) and the DFAC (Dinning Facility) food is pretty damn good.  Hope that doesn’t spoil anyone’s image of the suffering and sacrifice. 

Perhaps these (MRE’s and the postcards) were a big item during the Korean War, who knows?  These things have probably been around since then, give or take 10 years.  They sort of have that Space Age/NASA look to them.  I don’t know, someone Google that for me, eh?  Best comment gets a free postcard, straight from the desert!

Now, if you’re one of my kids reading this (except Sarah), stop right there.  This one is PG-15, or something like that.  For any of you who DON’T know what the title refers to, you may want to skip this one, although it could be labeled “somewhat informative” on the “useless information” scale.  Read on at your own peril…..

Freeballin’, aka: Free Balling (for tight-ass pseudo-urbanites who haven’t tried it yet), Melvin (the only Melvin I know is in jail?), Commando (or “Going Commando”), Wranglers (western term), Bean Bag (or Bags, both are, ah, more or less appropriate), Package, Moose Knuckles (my personal favorite), or (essentially) No Underwear. 

This is a common term among military guys and has been for quite some time, although the origins are a bit sketchy.  I have it from a fairly reliable source that the genesis of this - actually, the phrase ”going commando” - comes from the U.S. Navy SEALS.  Feel free to dispute.  The term (and practice) has been in wide use in urban circles for 10 years or so now, mostly among the skate-punk crowd.  And, I’ve come to discover recently that this isn’t just a guy thing.

That’s all I really have to say about that; perhaps it’ll generate a response or two.  I bring it up, though, because in these parts, it’s a fairly common phenomenon, for purely hygenic reasons.  Nobody likes “tighty-whities” out here (I never liked the damn things), and boxers can be a bit restrictive as well. 

Last word:  There’s a band with this name and some sort of Weird Al-type song that parodies Tom Petty’s ”Free Fallin”.  Just thought you should know!